DejaVu
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: She didn't get the chance to look back in hindsight a decade later and see that her punishment was the best thing that ever happened to her.


**Deja vu **

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:- **Queen and Country

**Pairing:- **Sandra/Gerry

**Rating:- **K+

**Achieve:- . /group/new_tricksff/**

**Summary:- **She didn't get the chance to look back in hindsight a decade later and see that her punishment was the best thing that ever happened to her.

**Author's Note:- **Hope you enjoy and reviews would be lovely

The classical music that I normally play softly in the background when I've had a hard day at working is turned up a few notches tonight telling anyone who knows me well that today wasn't a bad day it was a bloody awful one. I'm generally pretty good at leaving work at the office door and not letting it consume me but this case has been different. See I know what they all think, they think it's about the foreign office and about some sort of vendetta that I have against the idea of authority but that's not it, they just don't understand.

"Shit" So much for my plan to drink myself into a coma tonight and forget about the fact that….."Ok, ok I'm coming!" God talk about impatient.

"I thought maybe you'd need to talk and judging from the fact that music is so loud I've had to ring the bell six times before you heard it I think I was right!" I take it back not all of them are so quick to make assumptions about how I feel in any situation.

"I thought you were playing toy planes with your cousin. Let me guess it was still trains he was into and you gave up?"

"Brian! God you can't trust that man with anything. I did meet him and it was great to catch up but when I told him about you and how worried I was about you he told me I should be here not there and he was right. It's my job to worry about you these days remember." That's Gerry our relationship is either really easy to explain or really complicated depending on your point of view. See I'm his boss so if you look at from that point of view it could be considered complicated but really it's not he loves me and I love him and even though that doesn't change the facts from a work position it could be difficult it just means we wouldn't let those difficulties stop us.

"I'm starting to worry that you know me too well." He looks smug now but if he keeps turning up just because he knows I need him why would I worry if he was smug about it?

"I'll pour us a drink then you can tell me what I missed with Brian and Strickland in the pub earlier." He knows there's nothing to tell when Brian and Strickland get together it's a nerd-off they love to play one-upmanship games about who knows more about cases or police procedure but I have to give him points for not immediately jumping into an analysis of my behaviour.

"I didn't stay long, you know what they're like when they get together they were on to the more gory details of the Yorkshire ripper's killings when I left them." I love how even when were just sitting talking or watching TV he likes to be connected, right now his arm is lying lazily along my shoulders as I rest my head on his.

"Ah exciting stuff then. Do you want to talk about how you've been feeling the last few days? I heard what you said to Strickland about feeling that you've hit a ceiling in work and how much you used to feel you could do. I know you didn't become so fanatical about Annabelle because you thought there was a foreign office cover up, you saw parallels with yourself so talk to me don't just bottle it up when you do that I lose you a little until you decide you're ready to talk." He's right I know myself well enough to know there's a tiny window in any situation where I'm ready to talk about it and if that passes I internalize it and shut everyone out, including him, until I've dealt with it or accepted I never will.

"What she did, the lap top being stolen, it didn't warrant the punishment she was given and ok we know now why it happened but she never did she died angry and frustrated never having made peace with the way things happened."

"And you think none of us could see that you see your own situation in that? You shot a dog and now nearly ten years later your still here marking time in the same place they put you to teach you some sort of lesson? You know it's not the same don't you?" Of course I know, the punishment element is where the parallel ends. People didn't find it so easy to accept that Annabelle committed suicide just because of her job it was a whioe collection of things from aborted babies to feelings of betrayal as she watched her friend get what she thought was rightfully hers.

"I know there were loads of things of things going on with her and I know that I have had the chance to accept the situation that she never did but I don't know, I suppose it just made me think."

"You don't get it do you?" He's almost laughing now and I'm not sure I'm finding that helpful at all. "You are an amazing detective, yeah it was shitty that they choose to make some sort of example of you year's back but they didn't know what they were doing when they did."

"You're not making any sense Gerry and that's now helping me at all."

"You could have left UCOS any time and you could have been so far past that ceiling you were talking about that you were giving Strickland orders not the other way round. When they put you in charge of UCOS they thought it would be a flash in the pan and you'd consider yourself duly reprimanded and crawl under a stone somewhere but you didn't you showed them that you were better than that and you made UCOS the envy of forces all over the country. You could have walked away but you stayed because you were doing it on your terms not because you love to look at our grumpy faces every morning."

Well that was certainly a little part of it grumpy as they are I do enjoy going to work with them every day but I stay because I love what we do I love that we give people the closure they need to move on and he knows that which is why he abandoned his cousin to come here and remind me.

"Hey if I hadn't hung around to see your grumpy face in the mornings we'd never have fallen in love so don't knock it." Oh I love it when he kisses me it had to be the most amazing feeling in the world.

"True but that wasn't the point I was making you could have taken promotion a dozen times in the last ten years we always knew there were any number of departments in the MET that would have given their right arm to get you to come on board but you always said no and you know that was because there is no bigger challenge than solving the cases no one else could. It's what keeps us getting up in the morning and going in to do it all again."

"I know but however happy I am now it doesn't change how I got here in the first place and I felt sorry for Annabelle her world exploded and the rug was pulled from under her that's exactly how I felt at first when they told me I had to head up UCOS." I've never talked to anyone, particularly not any of them, about how I felt back then. Don't get me wrong I'm damn sure there were times when it was blatantly obvious how much I resented being there but I've never said it out loud.

"You think we didn't all know that was how you felt. Sandra I love you but for the first few months we worked together you had a great big neon sign flashing above your head saying "I'm only here till they've punished me enough and let me off the hook" But not to repeat myself they had no idea what they did when they put you in charge. Any other detective would have shied away from the idea that they were going to potentially show up the failings of other officers but not you. Even years later when you found out the truth about your Dad, when no one would have blamed you for wanting a nice a cushy number away from any chance of having his failings thrown in your face you kept going. They put you in charge of us lot thinking it would teach you some sort of lesson and instead of hiding you went out there and developed a team with the best clear up rate in MET history. You took their punishment and turned it into a victory, a big one."

He's let a silence fall between us to give me a chance to take his words in as the music still playing softly in the back ground washes over me. Ok I did see Annabelle's lost computer as the equivalent to my dead dog, I did see her losing the New York job as the equivalent to me being shunted sideways to UCOS, maybe I let myself get a little involved because I wasn't really trying to solve her death but looking for some sort of revenge for what I saw as the glass ceiling I thought I'd been placed over me by those above me.

"Well I couldn't have turned UCOS into the success it is on my own or even with a different group of guys, you three were the best people to make it work we all make a great team and that's the reason that even when I ever did consider leaving I wouldn't. Where would I get a team of serving officers to head up who were as good as you lot? You might drive me nuts at times but together we get the job done."

It's true, he can tell me I made the most of my "punishment" all he wants but the real reason I was able to make it work, the real reason I was able to get over my initial anger and frustration, was them and the work we all mange to get done together. Ultimately that's why I felt so sorry for Annabelle. She didn't get the chance to find out if she could have done something better by losing what she thought she wanted. She didn't get the chance to look back in hindsight a decade later and see that her punishment was the best thing that ever happened to her. I did though and I can't be anything but grateful that I was given that opportunity and equally I can't be anything other than sorry that she didn't.


End file.
